Well, the 2010-2011 school year is coming to a close, and what a year it’s been! Stanford Football was really good, but still not quite as good as eight other Stanford sports you don’t go to watch. But that’s just the beginning. Since this is our last issue for 2010-2011, we’ll take you through the whirlwind of a year we’ve had at Stanford.
The new freshmen arrive, and the same shit happens all over again with a new round of dorm posters and alcohol transports. You become addicted to waiting in line, so you go to Ike’s four time a week. Stanford Football: 4-0.
Thanks to Four Loko use skyrocketing and the Bed Intruder song, October is fucking aaaaawesome! Also, the football team is winning, so that’s fun. You spend your time going to football games and falling asleep during the Dalai Lama’s talk. Stanford Football: 7-1.
You are pretty unhappy because Four Loko gets banned, but you stockpile enough to pregame the football team’s Big Game victory against Cal. Unfortunately, you don’t have enough Four Loko to have a sense of humor about Gaieties. Wikileaks reveals your grades. Also, HARRY POTTER! OMG!
Wikileaks drama continues, but you can’t keep track of it ‘cause you’re on winter break researching the influence of weather patterns on the mating habits of raccoons in the Caucasus region. Take a break from the daily grind!
Stanford Football wins the Orange Bowl, but most of you just try to use it as an opportunity to skip classes. When Jim Harbaugh announces that he will leave, you finish your last Four Lokos to drown out your sorrows. But, Andrew Luck decides to stay, so you don’t even care that a mountain lion is roaming around your room. Also, you can’t stop laughing about Hot Prowl.
The Flipside requests a segway for special fees, and you get super excited because you really want to ride it next year. You start to learn a lot about the Middle East, like where Libya is, but you still don’t know where Iraq is, and you definitely don’t know how to spell Muammar Gaddafi. Your Zodiac sign changes, but you take it in stride because you are an Aquarius.
The “List” goes public. The deepest and darkest secrets of explorecourses.stanford.edu have now been condensed to a one page summary in Comic Sans. You connivingly begin to craft your Spring Quarter schedule. You try to have no classes on Friday because you just want to have fun fun fun fun, lookin’ forward to the weekend! #winning
ASSU elections season begins and ends. AlertSU text message system continues to spam you with mass-texts about hanging out, but you are too busy reading firstname.lastname@example.org. Stanford argues a lot about ROTC.
May starts off with a bang as Osama bin Laden’s death and Cinco de Mayo happen in the same week. Later in the month, the rapture comes and goes. Special Dinner is a huge shit show all across the Row, and you talk about how you blacked the fuck out and fell asleep at like 8:00pm on the floor of your lounge.
June hasn’t even happened yet, but we’re sure you’ll pass your finals.
And the Flipside was there to cover it week in and week out. Thanks for reading, and we’ll see you next year.