Facing accusations of “various club members getting pitchers at Treehouse”, Stanford’s Band announced Monday that it was ready to offer the university’s administration $60,000 to resolve the issue quietly with an extrajudicial settlement.

“We’re just trying to speak their language” commented Band member “Toaster Strudel”, a kitchen sink slung around his neck and a frown on his face. “We hate that it came to this.”

The Band announced that it was additionally willing to become very good at football, win the Intel International Science and Engineering Fair, or have its parents donate a new building to win back Stanford’s favor.

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