Stanford’s large population of short-statured Indian men who smell of apples have come under the watchful eye of law enforcement officials after matching the profile of the at-large sexual assault suspect. Formerly blending in with the student body despite their lingering aroma of orchard fruit, Stanford’s chubby, round-nosed Indian men are now finding themselves receiving suspicious looks rom their fellow students. They believe this suspicion to be largely unjustified.

“Yeah, I like to eat a crisp Macintosh every now and then,” said defiant 5’6 sophomore Raj Gupta, “but the same could be said of plenty of other Indian men around here. It doesn’t make me a predator.”

Other Indian students echoed the sentiment.

“All of a sudden I can’t even get a glass of apple juice in the dining hall without everyone treating me like some sort of pervert,” commented diminutive, slightly overweight freshman Amir Madras. “It’s unfair.”

“I’m no fan of sexual assault,” asserted graduate student Michael Ganguli—who has admitted to occasionally rubbing granny smith apples on his 5’6 frame. “I hope they catch this jerk so that it takes the spotlight off of the rest of us. If every 5’6 Indian guy at Stanford who smelled like apples was a sexual predator—well that would be ridiculous. There are far too many of us.”

But with the recently lowered standard of proof for sexual assault cases, they all may be convicted.

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