By Tuesday

It has recently come to my attention that for the past couple of centuries people have been referring to me as “fat”. In all honesty, this is pretty offensive. Okay, maybe I did eat a bit too much lamb that one time back in 1148. But I’ve been on a diet since then, eating few carbs and even fewer junk foods. I’ve started to exercise on all of the other days of the week when I’m not busy working. Anybody can clearly see that I’ve slimmed down from my prior state, and weigh about 24 hours just like every other day of the week.

However, people around the world still refer to me as fat, and that has become a serious problem both for my reputation and for my ego. How would you like being called fat all the time? Take last week, for example. I was trying to pick up this smokin’ hot Thursday, but my middle-man Wednesday said to her, “Do you want a date with Fat Tuesday?” I could see her grimace from afar, and the only date that I got was the one assigned to me by the calendar.

So, I plead with you all: stop calling me Fat Tuesday. Let me get called Super Tuesday more often than once every four years. It would make me feel a whole lot better than myself, and it would prevent me from being made fun of by other days of the week like Good Friday or Sexy Sunday. Thank you for your attention.

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