—————————————————————————————————————————

There is something, a dark and sinister current of doubt, tugging at the minds of the newly arrived Class of 2017 here at Stanford. The pressing question, “Do I deserve to be here, with all these all-you-can eat froyo machines?” Well, as the Editor-in-Chief of the Stanford Flipside, there is no one better qualified to answer that question. So let me break it down for you, definitively, once and for all:

You do not deserve to be here. Not yet.

Instead of developing something worthwhile in high school like a shelter for abandoned ferrets, you wasted your time at soup kitchens, filming documentaries that bring much-needed attention to pressing social issues, and generally giving your time and energy to your own communities. The nerve of you people! Why didn’t you just stay home? Those handicapped athletes and institutionalized old people would have been better off without your selfish, selfish help.

And have you forgotten that you – each and every one of you – comes from a place of privilege. I couldn’t help but see the tens of luxury cars parked outside the dorms disgorging your stuff. None of you have faced hardship, financial, social or otherwise. To the freshman who cries over his broken home- get over it. Just because you’re a “first generation college student,” doesn’t mean you’re the first person in your family to ever attend college or something crazy like that. You certainly didn’t need or receive any kind of financial aid in order to attend this school- what are we, some kind of need-blind charity, admitting you regardless of your financial circumstances. Ha! The very thought makes me laugh.

Stanford is best known for extending the boundaries of human knowledge, but there are also people here who think very seriously about other things. Human things, like… like extending the boundaries of human knowledge. Some of them work in our departments of history, literature, and philosophy, while others are found in our schools of math and science. I guess that doesn’t really matter since you’re free to study whatever the hell you want here.

I guess what I’m saying is, get over yourselves. After little more than an arduous and rigorous application process, a staggering 5.7% of you were given free reign over this shining ivory tower. Please, wipe your feet before entering and try not to break anything.

So you don’t deserve to be here, not yet. But maybe, one day, after hard work and a six-figure donation, then you’ll be part of our family. Then you’ll truly belong.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events