In a brief, surprising moment of clarity, freshman Justin Brandt reportedly considered not consuming the goldfish and vodka filled shot glass presented to him at Alpha Gamma Zeta’s pledge party. Sources indicate that despite coaxing from frat members and fellow pledges, Brandt was concerned that tossing a raw, still wriggling, aquatic organism down his throat would not sufficiently lend meaning to his life.
“I don’t know, it just feels like I should be looking for something more,” Brandt told reporters as he gazed into the orange fish’s wide, doleful eyes. “Every breath I’ve taken and every decision I’ve made has led to this moment. Now that I’m finally here it’s almost as if imbibing a live, slimy creature drenched in alcohol is not the right way for me to come to terms with who I am and what I’ve been placed on this Earth to do.”
“I mean, there are so many possible directions my life could take,” Brandt continued as he shifted his gaze out Zeta’s open terrace windows, examining the starry sky as he idly swished the goldfish-laden shot glass. “I could be an engineer, or a physicist. Maybe I’ll be a writer, or an artist, or something else entirely. But so far as I know, none of those life style choices requires me to down a beverage containing a writhing, glutinous pet carp. It’s just…I’m sorry, could you just give me a minute?”
At press time, sources confirmed that Brandt had not only ingested the goldfish, but was “totally fucking stoked” to have another.
