Long time Black Eagle employee Abu Nayeem was let go yesterday amidst accusations that many critical aspects of his resume were falsified. His departure has sent surprised cartel managers searching for a replacement who can competently swallow condoms full of heroin and then extract them from his feces once past security checkpoints.

Trouble surfaced during a routine indexing of company records when it was discovered that Nayeem’s primary reference– Xbox Live gamertag pistolmnky17—was not a valid gamer ID. Nayeem’s secondary reference—a four year old stray pit bull named Bruiser—could not confirm or deny whether key points on the resume were true.

“His education came under intense scrutiny,” said VP of Human Resources Vincent Ortega. “Naturally we want people with middle school degrees, and he seemed to fit the bill. But it turns out he dropped out of Nogales Middle School in 7th grade, and on top of that his diploma in “Cappin’ the Po” was a clever forgery. It was a complete surprise to us.”

The resume also contained exaggerations designed to make Nayeem stand out as an exemplary drug mule candidate during the intense interview process. Under professional experience he listed “Badass mofoing kingpin, bitch WUT,” when in reality he was a small-time marijuana dealer who often smoked from his own supply and earned multiple stints in the county jail. Now he finds himself searching for a new job, and prospective employers are reluctant to bite.

“Sure, the guy is incredibly skilled at getting the cocaine-filled latex glove down without gagging before he worms his way through airport security,” explained rival cartel leader Guzman Falconi. “But it’s not about that. When we look to hire we’re looking for people who are good at communicating, who are creative and innovative problem solvers, who understand globalization and social media, and most of all who are trustworthy. And after this it is unclear whether he is any of those.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…