With environmental consciousness on the rise throughout the United States, product engineers at L’Oreal have resorted to extreme measures to tailor their shampoo to the eco-friendly. According to spokeswoman Sandra Mills, “no animals were harmed in the making of this shampoo. No rocks, boulders, or large trees were harmed in the making of this shampoo. In fact, to represent our commitment to resolving worldwide drought, our shampoo is also water-free.”

Another feature of the new line of Hair-Care-Because-The-Earth-Is-Ours-To-Share products is a focus on nutritional consciousness. Head chemical engineer Richard Leyvan met with our reporters earlier this week to discuss the novel product. “Our shampoo is gluten-free, vegan, pescaterian, vegetarian, flexitarian, humanitarian, and amphibian,” he said. “You name an ‘-ian’ and we’ve got you covered!” When asked why consumers would be eating their shampoo, Leyvan declined to comment.

Finally, the product itself represents L’Oreal’s reworked mission statement of “aligning your hair with the vibe of the cosmos.” To avoid blocking energy flow and impeding proper chi, L’Oreal technicians worked with James Cameron and members of the Pandoran Na’vi trive to ensure proper feng shui of the shampoo. Each package of new L’Oreal Eco-Poo is 100% Eywa-guaranteed.

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