In an effort to remain a leader in environmental sustainability, Stanford has announced plans to capture and use University President John Hennessy’s raw sexual energy to meet the campus’s ever-growing energy needs. Similar to wind or solar power, the plan relies on a converting a naturally abundant, renewable and seemingly limitless source of energy into a usable form such as electricity or heat. The administration is confident that this new project, assuming Hennessy keeps with his current exercise regimen and diet, will meet 50% of the university’s energy needs when it goes into effect in 2012.

The idea for the project was reportedly hatched late one night at a Board of Trustees meeting. The board had been arguing about ways to reduce the university’s carbon footprint; frustration was quickly building and everyone just wanted a timely and satisfying resolution and they found it in the President’s voluptuous figure. After hours of debate, Hennessy stood to remove his jacket before undoing the top button on his dress shirt and loosening his tie ever so slightly as a hush fell over the room. They had an answer. One board member said of the moment, “I’ve always found John to be a very attractive older man, but I mean [shivers]…that night it just hit me. I realized I just had to tap that…I mean tap that potential for clean, renewable energy.”

The Hennessy Project is part of a larger initiative to “green” Stanford’s image that also includes riding bikes instead of driving and putting “these come from trees” stickers on paper towel dispensers in bathrooms. Said one board member, “We want make Stanford sustainable for the future and I’m confident that can we ride President Hennessy all the way to that goal. Oh, and the potato forks…yeah those are really going to help too.”

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