Drawing criticism recently for their caffeine-injected alcoholic beverages, nicknamed “Blackout in a Can,” the Four Loko Brewing Company has taken a controversial step toward embracing its newfound status as a “problem” company.

“In an effort to keep our young, college-age audience interested, we are announcing a new line of Blackout™ products,” announced CEO Jack Hammerstein. The most anticipated product is their new “Blackout in a Cone” frozen yogurt. The taste of “Blackout in a Cone” has been described as a cross between Red Bull, espresso, gin and cheap vodka.

“That’s not surprising–those are the only ingredients,” Hammerstein noted, adding, “It tastes like shit, but it will fuck you up.”

The wisdom of the move is questioned by some experts in the industry, who expected Four Loko to lay low during a time where its drink is being banned on college campuses and is also being investigated by the FDA. But Hammerstein says he’s just doing good business.

“We are really just trying to expand our demographic here,” he argued, defending his company’s controversial move to appeal to younger, college-age audiences. “Our internal surveys showed there was an untapped hipster community that thought of Four Loko as too ‘Jersey Shore’ for them. But no hipster can resist froyo.”

“It’s true,” agreed Sunflower Grasswheat ’12, a resident of Synergy. “I mean if it’s froyo, it’s healthy, right? Plus it just tastes so natural.”

The effects of “Blackout in a Cone” are not yet fully understood, and consumers can only wait for the other releases such as “Blackout in a Breadbowl,” “Blackout in a Salad Dressing” and “Blackout in a Panini,” also directed toward hipsters.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…