By Ben Burges

The environment is in danger. Each day, we go about our business—filling landfills, drilling in the arctic, killing rain forests—but do we do anything to stop it? No. Well I think this sucks, and I’m going to do something about it. Here at MIT, we know what it really means to help the environment—we predicted your environmental problems years ago. That’s why all of our students shower only once a month. All you idealistic environmentalists may talk big game, but when it comes down to it, you waste over 20 gallons of water a day. And for what? To feel “clean”? To keep your hair shiny? To attract girls? Well the environment doesn’t care about your hair.

Sure, you can make fun of us—you can call us “disgusting,” “gross,” and “the creepiest date ever,” but that misses the point. We may have BO, but because of people like us, you still get to enjoy the golden smells of mountains, springs, and fresh bacteria in dark, moist places.

Ben Burges currently attends MIT, a small school in Massachussets. MIT is the US News and World Report’s #1 “Green School.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…