WASHINGTON, D.C.—U.S.A., Inc. President and CEO Barack Obama announced yesterday that, due to budget constraints, all 535 members of Congress and their staff would be laid off by the end of the session. This management shakeup comes just after U.S.A.’s acquisition of the auto and banking industries, and amidst the pending acquisition of the healthcare industry.
In his weekly online address, Obama stated, “We believe that removing this unnecessary barrier to progress is highly strategic and will make us more competitive in the global markets, bolstering our ability to stamp out the competition.” When asked what competition he was referring to, Obama said, ”Um… yeah. We stamped it out already.”
With worries mounting about the U.S.A.’s financial viability, shareholders are beginning to flee. In an interview with The Flipside, CFO Timothy Geithner explained, “We’re planting money trees as fast as we can down here.”
Congressional Budget Office Director Douglas Elmendorf could not be reached for comment. His position was eliminated last Thursday so that he would not, as White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel put it, “fuck with the President’s optimism.” Shares were down six points at market close.