In a press release yesterday, the dean of the School of Medicine, Phillip Pizzo, declared that a clone army of undergraduate premed interns has been created inside the SLAC National Accelerator Laboratory.

The clone army is based off the genetic template of Andy Kim, from the class of 1993, who was the best research intern the school ever saw. Identical in MCAT score, physical prowess, mental stamina, and shoe size, the clones of Kim are fully equipped in white lab coats. Their faces are shielded with safety goggles with their hands strapped into high-speed pipettes. Each clone has limited independence and an increased growth rate. A clone of Kim can be produced in less than 3 days. Right now the Med School has an army of 6,000 and has enough genetic material for another 15,000 interns.

“The intern clone army represents the future of medical research. No more dealing with resume-building, crazed sophomores only trying to fulfill some requirement. When we tell them we need them to come into lab on Saturday for 12 hours to run tests on rhino genitalia, they do it,” said Pizzo.

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