In a desperate ploy to boost revenues for the University, officials announced last week that all official Stanford tours will cumulate with a stop at “Ye Old Unione Gifts & More.” The “gift shoppe” will be in the first floor of the Old Union complex, near where the foosball tables are now.

Tourists will have the opportunity to buy President Hennessy bobble heads for only 34.99, “Stanford Bubble” Bath Soap for 24.99, and have their picture taken with a Condoleezza Rice impersonator. In addition, tourists will be able to buy photos of themselves getting run over by bicyclists in the circle of death (14.99 per photo + tax). “Initially, we thought we’d have to plant someone to run into people” said Mark Storey, who’s on the store’s development team. “But we figured that it was statistically unlikely that they wouldn’t get hit.”

Critics of the plan were quick to point out that the store might be overly money-minded.

“The fact that the rich will be able to purchases these gifts, and better remember their Stanford experience is simply classist” said sophomore Joseph Picker. “Its not right that the elite have better access to things like bobble heads and bumper stickers.”

In spite of these concerns, plans are moving ahead and Stanford Tour Guides have been advised that their closing “why I chose Stanford” pitch might be drowned out by the scramble to be first in line to buy the “Ideate-Yourself!” Whiteboard & Dry-Erase-Marker Combo Pack® (only $39.99).

You May Also Like

Student Faces Tough Decisions about Lent and Christianity

About forty days ago, on Ash Wednesday, sophomore Danny Brentwood made a…

Students in Beginner Sailing Stoked to Learn How to Crew Boats, Exploit Vulnerabilities in College Admissions System

Saying they were “beyond excited,” students of PE 46: Sailing, Beginning begin…