Look, man, the neofascist, religious freakout Republicans are calling for the government to extend voting rights to fetuses. And that’s crazy, man. It shouldn’t even be up for debate. For one thing, fetuses are just a bunch of cells that will eventually become a person. They don’t have feelings. They can’t talk or fill out a ballot. They’re just humans-in-training. This is all just a ploy by the jingoistic warmongers to increase their voting base, know what I mean, man? What’s wrong is that animals are being denied their civil rights. We should give animals the vote before 2012.

For one thing, animals are smart. Whenever I watch Planet Earth and it has some hyenas or wolves in it, my dog starts barking at them ‘cause he knows whats up, he knows those are his brothers, man. Also, animals can talk, so they can tell us who they want to vote for. They talk to each other all the time in their own languages, man, everyone knows that. But they can also talk to people. When my PETA friends and I busted a bunch of monkeys and rats out of a heinous Nazi research lab, they were all crying out, “Help us, save us from this place!” In English, man! And I know my friends and I were all tripping hard off several hits of acid, but if anything, acid opens up your mind to experience true reality. So those animals were definitely talking to us.

Animals have human feelings too. They are just as capable of love, friendship, happiness…they’re way nicer than most people. And animals everywhere have been talking to me, telling me they don’t want to be raised for food and brutally slaughtered. They don’t want to be stuck in cages in a lab. It’s time we gave animals their own civil voice. They’ve been second-class citizens for too long, man. I’d even be willing to be a government employee who drops acid and helps interpret the animals’ votes.

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