Kobe Ends Storied Career By Considering Passing Torch, Then Shooting Torch 50 Times Instead

April 13, 2016 11:00 pm
Kobe Ends Storied Career By Considering Passing Torch, Then Shooting Torch 50 Times Instead
Read more ›

Tessier-Lavigne Lowers Hoop to 6ft to Perform “Excessive” Windmill Dunk

February 16, 2016 12:00 pm
Tessier-Lavigne Lowers Hoop to 6ft to Perform “Excessive” Windmill Dunk
Read more ›

45-40: Literacy Scores of Alabama Versus Clemson

January 19, 2016 12:00 pm
45-40: Literacy Scores of Alabama Versus Clemson
Read more ›

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

January 11, 2016 12:00 pm
Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that Broncos QB Peyton Manning knowingly used human growth hormone in order to extend his career longevity, NFL insiders are reportedly ecstatic at evidence that will help explain the medical marvel that is the former Super Bowl winner’s giant […]

Read more ›

NCAA Suspends McCaffrey For Being Too Cool for School

January 4, 2016 12:00 pm
NCAA Suspends McCaffrey For Being Too Cool for School

Despite the Cardinal’s impressive 45-16 rout of the Iowa Hawkeyes in this year’s Rose Bowl, the evening ended on a somber note as NCAA officials revealed that star RB Christian McCaffrey will be suspended for a year under a little-known NCAA by-law banning outrageous charm and good looks. Noting the […]

Read more ›

Gaieties To Feature Cameos From Cal’s Entire Starting Defense

November 16, 2015 12:01 pm
Gaieties To Feature Cameos From Cal’s Entire Starting Defense

Reports indicate that Gaieties, Stanford’s long-running musical that ridicules our enemies from across the Bay, will this year feature cameos from every athlete currently starting for the Bears’ defense. While this move may surprise many, given that these 11 men will be playing against Stanford on Saturday, many Cal players […]

Read more ›

Op Ed: This is how football works

12:00 pm
Op Ed: This is how football works

Hi, I’m Rick Featherton and I’m going to explain how football works. The rules of football are complicated, and can get confusing to the layman or woman. But have no fear! By the time you’ve finished reading this, you’ll be a football expert! Football starts when all the players (each […]

Read more ›

Cubs Manager Confidently Predicts NLCS Victory While Walking Underneath 15-Foot Ladder

October 19, 2015 12:00 pm
Cubs Manager Confidently Predicts NLCS Victory While Walking Underneath 15-Foot Ladder

Standing amongst the shards of a shattered mirror in the Cubs locker room on Sunday, Cubs manager Joe Maddon remains confident that his young-gun Cubs can bring a championship back to the team it has so fatefully eluded for 107 years. Petting his black cat, Tabitha, while walking under a […]

Read more ›

David Shaw’s Math Issues Worsen As Offense Improves

October 12, 2015 12:01 pm
David Shaw’s Math Issues Worsen As Offense Improves

Since his appointment as head coach five years ago, David Shaw has been known for his low scoring, conservative victories. But it was only after the Stanford offense’s recent impressive play, in which they scored 42, 41 and 55 points, that those closest to Shaw have finally realized that the […]

Read more ›

Arrest of FIFA Executives Pinnacle of Sleuthing Skills

June 4, 2015 9:00 am
Arrest of FIFA Executives Pinnacle of Sleuthing Skills

Last week, Swiss police enacted the culmination of years of FBI investigations by arresting several high-ranking officials of FIFA. Despite the many difficulties of finding and tracking the notoriously public officials of a multi-billion euro organization whose each and every move is literally watched by the entire European population, American […]

Read more ›