Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana

March 11, 2017 9:54 am
Trump Trades Nuclear Codes For Sweet Katana
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Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire

9:52 am
Man Shouts “Theater” In Crowded Fire
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Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

March 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Sexually Active Man Tests Positive for Harpies

When local sex-haver Vikram Üntergrim went to get a free STD screening at Vaden, he was worried that his frequent hookups had left him with some sort of venereal disease. But the diagnosis he ultimately received was far worse: he had harpies. “The first time I realized that something might […]

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Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

12:00 pm
Russia Behind Everything You Want To Happen, Everything You Don’t Want To Happen

The Russian government has released a statement today, explaining that they are behind every single thing that you wanted to happen, and also behind all of the things you don’t want to happen too. From supporting our current far-right government, to backing the dissident actions of civil rights and labor […]

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Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

12:00 pm
Bop It Unveils Wildly Unpopular New “Suck It” Feature

Earlier this week, Bop It, the popular Hasbro toy first unveiled in the late 1990s, received a much-needed facelift after many years of devoted service to entertaining. Joining the ranks of the classic “Bop It,” “Twist It,” and “Pull It” is the new, extremely controversial “SUCK IT” feature, which many […]

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Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

7:43 am
Op-Ed: Those Are Some Fine Chompers You Got There

Wow.  Now look at those colossal pearly whites. I’d kill to have me some mighty chompers like those in my mouth.  So white, so clean, so big and sharp.  How do you keep them so nice?  Is there some special tooth-goo that can get my old gnashers looking as good […]

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Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

March 5, 2017 12:00 pm
Condescending Vegan Faces Displacement by Automation

Stern Dining — Larkin resident Patrick Freedman sits alone, searching through the classifieds in hopes of finding a new job. Freedman had previously been comfortably employed as a professional vegan, paid by the university to remind meat-eating students that they are moral scum. Freedman would roam the lunch lines and […]

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Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

February 27, 2017 12:00 pm
Clitaurus Probably a Type of Dinosaur, Nation’s Middle Schoolers Report

A consortium of middle schoolers has shaken America’s scientific community to the core following its announcement of startling new evidence that the Clitaurus is probably a type of dinosaur. “Well, yeah, it sounds like Tyrannosaurus,” commented lead researcher Trevor Bentonsworth during the big reveal of the team’s paradigm-shifting research, televised […]

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Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men

12:00 pm
Wow! Hooters Just Hired 2,000 Huge-Breasted Men
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Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

12:00 pm
Marc Tessier-Lavigne to Allow Two Hottest People From Each Dorm to Get On Ark

STANFORD, CA — As the threat of flood increases each day of this rainy season at Stanford, Marc Tessier-Lavigne has announced a plan for the two hottest people from each dorm to begin boarding his ark. “At some point everyone will have to accept the reality of this armageddon flood […]

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