“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

April 9, 2017 12:00 pm
“Man, Napoleon Sure Was A Douche,” Opines Chaz Jackson

STANFORD, CA—Citing the French leader’s devastating military campaigns and egomaniacal desire for power, sophomore Chaz Jackson reportedly declared Napoleon Bonaparte a “douche” in yesterday’s FRENCH 132 section. “Yeah, I mean, I guess he did some cool stuff, but at the end of the day Napoleon was really just a big […]

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Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

April 6, 2017 8:17 pm
Man With Two Drones Now Wants To See Them Fight

Palo Alto – Reports show that Kenneth Overman, having achieved his long-standing goal of owning two separate recreational drones, has now switched his aspirations from acquiring drones to watching them face off in a 21st century airborne reinterpretation of gladiatorial combat. While investigations seem to indicate that Overman has not […]

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Guy Who Calls It Schwanging Has Yet To Schwang

April 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Guy Who Calls It Schwanging Has Yet To Schwang
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A Standardized Formatting Guide for a Post-Truth Research Paper

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A Standardized Formatting Guide for a Post-Truth Research Paper

Now that we have entered an age of “post-truth,” a time in which facts and personal opinions are one and the same, the standard formatting guides of days past no longer apply. MLA and Chicago style may have worked well when you could “fact-check” a peer’s work, but now a […]

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PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR DEEDEE ANDERSON AND JASON SETER, THE FLIPSIDE SLATE, FOR ASSU EXEC

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PLEASE DO NOT VOTE FOR DEEDEE ANDERSON AND JASON SETER, THE FLIPSIDE SLATE, FOR ASSU EXEC

Dear Cherished Electorate, We are Deedee Anderson and Jason Seter. We are running for ASSU Exec, and we beg you not to vote for us. On April 13th and 14th, you, the student body, will have the opportunity to flex your democratic muscles by choosing your elected student leaders. It […]

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Yikes! No One Told Mike Pence That Jesus Died, And He Only Just Found Out

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LAS VEGAS, NV - APRIL 25:  Indiana Gov. Mike Pence attends the Republican Jewish Coalition spring leadership meeting at The Venetian Las Vegas on April 25, 2015 in Las Vegas, Nevada. The Republican Jewish Coalition's annual meeting featured potential Republican presidential candidates in attendance, along with Republican super donor Sheldon Adelson.  (Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)
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Anonymous-Sounding Engineering Company Specializes In “Global Solutions”

April 2, 2017 8:07 pm
Anonymous-Sounding Engineering Company Specializes In “Global Solutions”

Stanford senior Alicia Wesson has reportedly found the recruitment site of the company Prismatech, an inconspicuous company actively recruiting CS and other Engineering graduates to help in their mission of “providing global solutions to the world’s most cutting edge geospatial analytics problems.” Their company website has little-to-no information about potential […]

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OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

March 19, 2017 12:00 pm
OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

As National Women’s Day came and went last week, I realized my tremendous oversight in not publicly thanking women for all they have done for me in my life. As a serial killer who only kills women, there’s no way I could have gotten to where I am today without […]

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Op-Ed: Megalodon Is In Lake Lag And I Have Proof

March 17, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Megalodon Is In Lake Lag And I Have Proof

Look guys, hear me out on this one. Megalodon is real and he is living in Lake Lag right now. I get it, you might be a little skeptical. I was too at first! Does it really make sense for this massive shark, presumed extinct for over 2 million years, […]

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At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

March 16, 2017 9:00 am
At Quiznos, The Customer Is Always Right, Even If That Customer Is Conspiracy Theorist Alex Jones

Here at Quiznos Subs and Sandwiches, we have a little saying: “The customer is always right.” They want their bread toasted? Done. They want the onions grilled? A-ok. They want to mix ketchup and mustard together into a new, ungodly condiment? Who are we to tell them no! So when […]

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