Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pm
Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month. “Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and […]

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Doctors HATE This Man After He Discovered This One Weird Trick To Kill Their Families

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Doctors HATE This Man After He Discovered This One Weird Trick To Kill Their Families
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Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

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Taking A Stand: John McCain Disapproves of Tone Used in President Trump’s “Poor People Murder Night” Bill

Well, looks like compromise isn’t dead after all, folks. In a stunning display of putting nation before party, American hero John McCain has broken from Republican orthodoxy and announced that he doesn’t support the tone of President Trump’s recently-introduced “Poor People Murder Night” bill. The legislation, which would give anyone […]

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Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

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Students Seek Guidance on Petition to Fix Defective Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine from Adjunct Professor About to Be Evicted

Looking to their favorite faculty member, adjunct professor and soon to be homeless Elizabeth Emula, for guidance, Stanford students Alexa Ante ’19 and William Woolf ’20 decided last week to begin circulating a petition for RD&E to replace the unreliable soft serve machines in Wilbur Dining. “Working ice cream machines […]

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Newborn Fruitfly Has Midlife Crisis

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Newborn Fruitfly Has Midlife Crisis
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Whacking Side Of Computer Still Hasn’t Fixed Axess, CS Professors Report

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Whacking Side Of Computer Still Hasn’t Fixed Axess, CS Professors Report

Now that Week 6 has come and gone, students have begun to enroll in courses for winter quarter. Unfortunately, however, Axess is still not working. According to Stanford’s IT Department, the site crashed at midnight a few days ago due to increased traffic coinciding with the opening of course registration […]

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G©oog©le claims copyrig©ht on the letter g©

November 1, 2017 12:00 pm
G©oog©le claims copyrig©ht on the letter g©

Tech g©iant g©oog©le has reportedly issued an all-encompassing© copyrig©ht on the seventh letter of the alphabet, a move that current CEO Sundar Pichai describes as “log©ical, considering© the company’s long©standing©g and close association with the letter,” a statement that references G©oog©le’s numerous products and services such as G©mail, G©oog©le Drive, […]

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Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

October 31, 2017 12:00 pm
Student Not Attractive Enough for Tourists to Take Pictures Of

In a devastating turn of events this weekend, sources report that sophomore Jacob Keller has finally come to the conclusion that he is too ugly for even the most eager of tourists to photograph while touring campus. Following this revelation, the chemical engineering major found it impossible to walk to […]

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Op-Ed: Please Just Let Me Eat My Toothpaste In The Back Of Class In Peace

October 30, 2017 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Please Just Let Me Eat My Toothpaste In The Back Of Class In Peace

We all have our vices. Maybe yours is smoking, or perhaps gambling. And mine, sure, it’s a little less orthodox. But so what if I enjoy chowing down on a tube of toothpaste during my Thinking Matters section? What’s it to you, buddy? Just because I personally love gulping back […]

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Report: Hippopotami More Frightening Than Ghosts

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Report: Hippopotami More Frightening Than Ghosts

Citing new evidence opposing the longstanding misconception that ghosts are the most terrifying creature to walk this earth, researchers at Stanford University announced yesterday that hippopotami are and have always been way more frightening. Though phantoms, specters, and other assorted ghouls may incite feelings of extreme dread and horror in […]

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