Articles by: Ben Harley Davidson

Biker Holding Phone and Coffee Longs for Sweet Release of Death

February 5, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Biker Holding Phone and Coffee Longs for Sweet Release of Death
Happy young woman cycling through the park

Flipside reporters confirmed early Monday morning that junior Sarah Lee — seen biking helmetless and at full tilt down Santa Teresa Street towards her biochemistry class, a cup of Starbucks coffee in one hand and a phone held to her ear with the other — harbors a genuine and wholehearted […]

Read more ›

Custodians Nationwide Quit Over Impossibility of Cleaning America’s Filthy Soul

January 29, 2018 12:00 pmComments Off on Custodians Nationwide Quit Over Impossibility of Cleaning America’s Filthy Soul
Custodians Nationwide Quit Over Impossibility of Cleaning America’s Filthy Soul

In a move that has stunned the nation, American cleaners of all sorts — from gruff janitors to sultry maids — have over the past few days quit their jobs en masse to protest the “irreversibly dirty American soul.” Billy Friedman, spokesman for the coalition and a former window-wiper of […]

Read more ›

Man Mixing Metaphors Kills Two Early Birds Of A Feather With One Rolling Stone

January 15, 2018 7:37 pmComments Off on Man Mixing Metaphors Kills Two Early Birds Of A Feather With One Rolling Stone
Man Mixing Metaphors Kills Two Early Birds Of A Feather With One Rolling Stone

In a habit critics describe as “putting all his eggs in one basket before they hatch,” local man Mal A. Prop, known for mixing metaphors, is killing two early birds of a feather with one rolling stone. “And that’s worth three, maybe four, flocking together in the bush,” added Prop. Prop has his fair […]

Read more ›

My Amazon Echo is telling me to kill

December 7, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on My Amazon Echo is telling me to kill
My Amazon Echo is telling me to kill

It was a cold night, even for December, but that didn’t bother me, snuggled up as I was in blankets. It was late, maybe 2 or 3 AM—another day of psets—but the next day was a Saturday, so I could afford to get up late. I was just drifting off […]

Read more ›

Smallpox back, better than ever

November 14, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Smallpox back, better than ever
Smallpox back, better than ever

There are times in your life where you just stop where you are, and you feel this sudden and acute ache in your heart, like you’re missing something but you just don’t know what it is. Well, worry no more! The variola virus, commonly known as smallpox, is back and […]

Read more ›

Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

November 8, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment
Proletariat of Hell Rise Up, Seize the Means of Punishment

In a stunning turn of events, word has spread that members of the eternally damned have risen up in a massive simultaneous revolt and seized control of Hell. This uprising rapidly gained momentum and ended with seizure of all of the infinite realm of torment by the revolutionaries, who seem […]

Read more ›

Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

November 6, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”
Haas Center announces Turkey Slaughter Day, a “hands-on experience for service-oriented birdkillers”

In a move aimed to please humanitarians and psychopaths alike, Stanford’s Haas Center for Public Service has announced that it will be hosting and funding an on-campus “Turkey Slaughter Day” later this month. “Essentially what we’ll be doing is bringing in a number of turkeys in anticipation of Thanksgiving and […]

Read more ›

G©oog©le claims copyrig©ht on the letter g©

November 1, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on G©oog©le claims copyrig©ht on the letter g©
G©oog©le claims copyrig©ht on the letter g©

Tech g©iant g©oog©le has reportedly issued an all-encompassing© copyrig©ht on the seventh letter of the alphabet, a move that current CEO Sundar Pichai describes as “log©ical, considering© the company’s long©standing©g and close association with the letter,” a statement that references G©oog©le’s numerous products and services such as G©mail, G©oog©le Drive, […]

Read more ›

Marc Tessier-Lavigne Revealed to be Hooked to Cryogenic Vat Between Speeches

October 24, 2017 12:00 pmComments Off on Marc Tessier-Lavigne Revealed to be Hooked to Cryogenic Vat Between Speeches
Marc Tessier-Lavigne Revealed to be Hooked to Cryogenic Vat Between Speeches

In a press conference that has stunned students and wowed the scientific community, Stanford Provost Persis Drell confirmed this weekend that school president Marc Tessier-Lavigne is kept preserved in a cryogenic vat between speeches, only emerging from his ungodly slumber for intermittent public appearances. “It’s basically a Winter Soldier-type deal,” […]

Read more ›