Like all great Jewish athletes before him, all one of them, Andrew Luck will choose not to play against Colorado this Saturday because it is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. The athlete announced his recent discovery at a news conference Tuesday night. “Some of you may have noticed that I have been growing out my beard,” Luck began. “Well, it turns out I’m Jewish!” Within minutes, Andrew Luck was added to the Kibbitz-means-chat, Jewish community email list.
The reaction across campus was equally swift. One Stanford fan immediately posted on Facebook, “Andrew Luck pulling a Koufax?? that’s cool, but he better be rolling on Shabbos!” Other fans were not as positive. “He calls that a beard!?” grumbled Clayton Toris Sheins, a homeless 2011 graduate living in a storage closet in Synergy House. “That’s no beard, that’s a ‘neard.’ Beards grow on your face; neards grow on your neck. That thing is at least 85% neck.” A group of local rabbis said it was a nice attempt, and that he’s welcome over for dinner anytime.
Beard aside, this new discovery could potentially bring drastic changes for the NFL’s #1 prospect. Some analysts have suggested that Luck may take his architecture degree and start buliding synagogues, or at the very least a Sukkah or two. Friends of Luck say he is even considering changing his last name to reflect his new found religion. They say that “Luck” is way too Irish sounding, and that Andrew has been considering changing his last name to something more appropriate like “Guilt.”