Surgeon General Regina M. Bengamin announced today that the average American eats 5 hamsters over the course of his or her lifetime. “About 64% percent of Americans sleep with their mouths open, which leaves a very large hole for hamsters to fall into. Most of us just swallow these small rodents in one piece,” said the Surgeon General, adding that her findings account for “over 82% of missing hamster reports.” In response to Bengamin’s announcement, The World Health Organization issued “A Guide to Hamsters: In Your Mouth,” which will be made available to every household. Americans are urged to sleep with their mouths closed or to sleep with a large predator, such as a wolf, hawk, or cougar, to prevent hamsters from getting near them.

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