Despite assurances from friends and family that her subpar performance on the Math 51 midterm “wouldn’t be the end of the world,” sophomore Shannon Hayes opened Coursework to check her grade last Friday and, in doing so, set off a storm of demons and hellfire raining down from the heavens.
“My roommate assured me that ‘It wasn’t a big deal’ and ‘I would live’ when I came home last Thursday night angry about the exam,” explained Hayes, who was visibly upset as a result of both her substandard grade as well as being single-handedly responsible for the eventual extinction of the human race.
Sources close to the situation indicate that Hayes’ professor rushed to post an announcement that the class would be curved and that the final would be weighted more heavily than the midterm, but his email apparently came too late to reverse the slowly progressing destruction of all sentient life on the planet.
As of press time, not only were Hayes’ GPA and chance of medical school admission looking grim, but large portions of the Western US had been reduced to dust in the wake of apocalyptic disasters. In related news, should she survive Doomsday, Hayes will reportedly switch the class to Credit/No Credit.
