ANN ARBOR, MI – Fresh off of the news that Alabama head coach Nick Saban had extended a scholarship offer to Florida eighth grader Jesus Machado, Jim Harbaugh of the University of Michigan immediately announced that he had reserved a roster spot on the 2035 Wolverines roster for the embryo of Robert and Pattie McCallister of Akron, Ohio.
“When I took this job last year, I promised to attack it with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind,” Harbaugh announced in a press release.
“We must always be one step ahead of the competition. No one will ever outwork us to find the nation’s best talent–be they born or unborn.
”
Harbaugh went on to praise the talents the talents of his latest prospect: “No one is sure about his gender just yet, but you just know it’ll be a boy because that family is a winner. The father has an Andonis-like physique and his mother has the large hands and commanding voice we crave in our recruits.
”
The proud parents were elated at the news: “When Coach Harbaugh informed us of the offer at the end of his home visit, I cried,” Robert McCallister said afterwards. “As a parent, you work so hard to put your kids in a position to achieve their dreams and it’s great to see that effort pay off.
”
Harbaugh could not be reached for further comment, according to a University spokesperson, as he was en route to a Houston-area nursery to evaluate another crop of elite prospects. The zygote has until February 1, 2035 to sign a letter of intent and formally commit to the Wolverines.
