Dear College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays,

With the holidays quickly approaching, I’m worried that I won’t be able to get all of my shopping done in time! What do you recommend I do to make sure I’m on top of all my errands during this time of year?

Sincerely,

Festive in FloMo

Dear Festive,

It’s pretty easy to get all your shopping done. First you have to plan out your schedu– MOM, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE… NO. NO, I DON’T WANT LUNCH… NO, I JUST ATE, MOM. I’M TALKING TO SOMEONE. GOD. Right, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, right, start doing your shopping little by little, and before you know it, you’ll have all your gifts ready for your family. Show them how much they mean to you by planning your shopping far in advance!

 

Dear College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays,

After seeing my grades for this past quarter, I was disappointed to learn that I am not receiving the same quality grades that I had in high school. What should I do about my transcript? Will this affect job placement later on down the road?

Sincerely,

Anxious in Alondra

Dear Anxious,

Don’t worry too much about grades. I know that in high school, I didn’t have to focus on grades—they just came to me, you know? Oh man, those were the days. We ruled that school. Mark, Sam, Tony and me, we’d call ourselves the “aces.” I’m gonna see them any day now. I guess they haven’t seen my texts yet, but no worries, man. Even if they don’t get my texts, I’m sure they’ll get my voicemails. And if all else fails, they’ll probably check their emails, too. I’m not too worried. It’ll be a good winter break… just like old times….

 

Dear College Freshman Visiting Home for the Holidays,

Visiting my family made me realize how much I miss grandma’s cooking. Can you recommend an affordable restaurant near campus that makes good quality comfort food?

Sincerely,

Hungry in Hammarskjöld

Dear Hungry,

Yeah, just gimme a minute here. I’m going to call Mark, Tony, and Sam one more time… Hey guys! It’s me again, just give me a call when you can and maybe we can go grab a slice of pizz– MOM, GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I’M TALKING TO PEOPLE. GOD, WHAT THE HELL? YOU DON’T SEE ME WALKING INTO YOUR ROOM…NO, I JUST ATE, MOM.

You May Also Like

Teenage Girl Loses Faith in Horoscope, Turns to Magic Eight Ball

At approximately 2:50pm EST, as the students of Carter Middle School filed…

Dear Abby, My Roommate Built a Guillotine and I’m Worried He’s Going to Execute Me

Dear Abby, Abby, you sexy omniscient bitch, I’m worried. My roommate hasn’t…

Chemistry Department Offers CHEM 31Z

The Stanford chemistry department has announced the creation of Chem 31Z, an…