The Stanford Flipside sent our four best reporters to Frosh Formal 2023: The Premiere. They recorded their highs, their lows, their joys and their woes. Two reporters barely made it out alive. Here are their stories.
8:00 PM: Organizers of Frosh Formal are giving out Oscar statues to the first 200 guests.
8:12 PM: People are already using the Oscar statues as dildos
8:28 PM: I am 3.75 shots and .09 of an edible in and oh my god I am feeling it
8:36 PM: out of chasers. uh oh.
9:26 PM: moaning heard from bathroom
9:33 PM: THE DJ LOVES JAZZ AND FEET
9:41 PM: GOLD WE BE GENTRIFYING UP IN HERE
Editor’s Note: Further research shows that “Cupid Shuffle” was played when this update was provided.
9:41 PM: Am I high or is everyone here fuckable
9:41 PM: THEY LOVE DIVERSITY NORTH KOREAN MUSIC
9:42 PM: Only thing “premiered” here is the class of 2027s rampant alcoholism and minor drug addictions…
9:43 PM: 27 IS SUCH A GOOD PERFECT NUMBER I LOVE IT
9:51 PM: lowk snacks are good but why mix cheddar and blue cheese in one block
10:04 PM: sudden urge to twerk?? can someone please teach me
10:04 PM: woah the girls here are hot
10:13 PM: fuck, I have to pee
10:19 PM: The Oscars are cool as fuck
Editor’s note: Reporters 2, 3, and 4 note that Reporter 1 was inspired by the other freshmen using their Oscars as dildos
10:54 PM: Reporter 1 dipping quesadilla directly into salsa. The RA’s are laughing at him.
Editor’s note: Frosh left Alumni Center and stumbled over to TriDelta house.
11:51 PM: bro ice cream cake at TriDelt is so fucking good. Should I rush???
11:57 PM: Rage cage round 2?? Feeling a little too tipsy for this…. Maybe should sit this one out
12:04 AM: update: did not sit this one out
12:05 AM: fell on a beanbag… don’t really wanna get up
12:06 AM: where can I find a drug dealer rn bc I’m not high enough
12:09 AM: TIMOTHEE CHALAMET IS SOO HOT LIKE HE CAN RAIL ME ANY DAY
12:22 AM: Being a girl fucking sucks … the patriarchy or whatever
12:25 AM: SLUG JUG BEST JUG
Editor’s note: Unclear who is where. Editors believe frosh were committing espionage to communicate across Campus Drive.
12:31: frosh formal has devolved into a duolingo competition
12:41 AM: (TriDelta): SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS
12:41 AM: RAGE CAGE RAGE CAGE RAGE CAGE
12:59 AM: bro my bed is so comfy wtf why don’t I sleep all day???
1:03 AM: THE FROSH ARE SO SLOSHED
1:04 AM: Prom queen revealed— people too drunk to remember who it was
1:09 AM: Why didn’t I meet the love of my life in the 20 minutes I was there?
1:11 AM: @EDITORS DAHA SHROOMS!!!!!!! Pls we wanna try it
1:12 AM: there’s no way we’re getting to SNL tonight. I am so fucking tired… did I accidentally take indica?
1:13 AM: Omg the reporters are so funny and cool haha what if flipside actually published this report
1:13 AM: Drunk driving?? Nah. But D.A.R.E. never said shit about bikes….
1:26 AM: Everyone home safe!
Editor’s note: These Editors are proud of frosh rahhhhh!
4:48 AM: I just woke up and do not recognize myself in the mirror— guess I’m still high
5:19 AM: So many bottles on the desk… this is kinda embarrassing…. What’s the word for post-nut-clarity but for nights when you drink?
Editor’s note: hangxiety.
