Let me explain a little something to you about unsubscribing from our emails.  Every single time someone clicks that shadowed, corner button so aptly labeled “Unsubscribe”, we get a notification.  Do you know what that notification says,  

It says “You’re fucking worthless.”  It says “Eat shit, dirt boy.”  Not literally, but it might as well.  You don’t want to read our articles,  Why not?  Do you think you’re better than us?  You’re despicable.  

You know what?  It’s fine,  We’re going to write a whole article about you.  It’s going to be wondrous, and tell all your dirty little secrets.  And you’re not even going to see it.  Listen up, loyal readers: here’s everything we could dig up about

Living in Narnia, room 213B, we observed waking up at 10:30 AM to depart for their first class of the day.  Lazy.  This gave us a good five hours to dig through their personal possessions in their room, during which we found a surprising lack of condoms.  Don’t practice safe sex?  That’s even more embarrassing.  A picture of’s boyfriend was framed on the desk – thankfully, we were able to identify the individual, and are holding him hostage at the Stanford Flipside club room.  We also found adorable photos of with their parents, which we immediately burned.

A note to all readers: don’t fuck with us.  We will shatter you, gnawing at the defeated person that remains.  Good luck saving your boyfriend,, and welcome to the Flipside, motherfucker.  

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