In a press conference earlier this week, just days before the end of the school year, authorities announced the long-awaited conclusion of their ongoing investigation into the series of catalytic converter thefts that have left campus puzzled since summer 2019.
The perp? Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne himself.
“It’s always the last place you look — isn’t that what they say?” Police Chief Ed Polarski remarked. “But for fuck’s sake, we weren’t expecting that the president of Stanford would have resorted to terrorizing Prius owners just to get his sick kicks in.”
According to the police report, drops of motor oil led investigators down Mayfield Avenue and up to the Lou Henry Hoover House. There, the detectives discovered hundreds of catalytic converters stacked in the presidential mansion’s basement, with a sheepish Tessier-Lavigne crouching behind them in a grease-stained tank top.
Footage of Tessier-Lavigne being led out of the mansion, suit jacket up around his ears, has since leaked, with a Canadian-accented voice heard muttering, “If it wasn’t for you meddling kids…”
Among the stolen automobile parts, detectives also discovered blueprints for an elaborate mechanism labeled the “De-Racism-inator 8000,” which schematics indicate would have used an array of catalytic converters to turn noxious car emissions into “good vibes and interracial harmony,” whatever that means.
“Look, it’s simple,” Tessier-Lavigne explained from the holding cell he’s been in since the arrest. “I was designing a machine to solve the quote-unquote ‘race problem.
’ You fuckers have just started protesting now, but I’ve been at this for months. Months, I say! Check the receipts on the AlertSU emails for all my burglaries if you don’t believe me.
”
“Look, we get it. We’re all bastards. No argument there,” Polarski responded. “But if you think that finding this one villain who’s been torturing campus for a year and doing a Scooby Doo-style unmasking of him doesn’t outweigh the systemic violence and structural brutality of our entire profession, you’re out of your GD mind!”
