Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

May 28, 2020 3:10 pm
Op-Ed: I Can’t Take News from Gavin Newsom Because I’m Too Distracted by His Raw Sexual Energy

I have a confession to make. I suspect it’s it a subject weighing on many of our minds, and I have finally mustered up the courage to admit it. Sometimes, this secret gives me great shame. I frequently find myself waking up in a cold sweat, covered in tears and peanut butter (the peanut butter is unrelated). But, more often than not, my dirty secret exhilarates me. The secret: I can’t take news from Gavin Newsom, the current governor of California.

In light of “these uncertain times,” we’ve been hearing more and more from the current governor of California (which is who Newsom is). But whenever Newsom’s face, in all its bilateral symmetry, appears on TV, I am swept off my feet before he even opens his mouth. Instantly, his raw animal magnetism overwhelms me—I can’t tear my eyes away. My mouth dries up, ready to lap up that tall glass of plain 1% milk.

It must be acknowledged that my troubles with Newsom (which is who the current governor of California is) appear to subvert our societal narrative. Too often, we reward conventionally attractive people with our attention and admiration. Here, I argue that quite the opposite is at play. Rather than putting my full trust in anything Newsom says, I actually can’t listen to him at all. The rich, rasping rhythms of his voice simply get my juices flowing, no matter what he’s saying; he could be speaking Esperanto, and I would process just as much.

This carnal desire has had catastrophic public health consequences owing to a bout of critical misunderstandings. I have no idea whether I’m allowed to sneeze into my hands or turn doorknobs with my mouth, like I usually do. As Newsom (who is the governor of California) told me I couldn’t leave my house, all I could hear was “come stay at mine.” His chiseled jaw line and slick locks informed me that the death toll is rising, but only from the many hearts he breaks.

All in all, my head is literally over my heels. This obsession has become debilitating. I’m not even a resident of California (where Gavin is currently the governor)! Yet I’m so distracted that I can barely offer my most insightful contributions in my PWR class discussions. People tell me to try other news sources, but the mere thought of the pandemic makes me want to rub my face against that silver fox that much more.