DOWN UNDER, AU – Climate change deniers in Australia recently contributed several eyewitness reports, claiming that the wildfires decimating Australia’s wildlife momentarily ceased yesterday to deliver a divine message. The fires, which have proved to be devastating for all but serial arsonists and importers of dried kangaroo meat, have now raged over 1.
5 million acres for several days. At 4:12PM, however, these witnesses described how the dingoes suddenly began singing and spiders raised their little legs to the heavens as a holy light descended upon the blasted and smoky chaos.
These witnesses who, it was later found, all had a history of attributing the various natural disasters caused or spurred by climate change to “bad luck” and “the Devil’s whimsy”, told a most interesting story.
At the center of this holy light, they said, God spoke from the corpse of a baby koala, and spoke. “Salutations. It’s Me, the Holy Spirit. I just wanted to clarify that these fires are My punishment for the unholy clusterfuck that is the movie Cats.”
The Almighty Leader added that the film was “probably the worst thing humans have done since the apple” and “definitely, one hundred percent, because of the movie. You can blame this fire and utter carnage on Cats.” He also noted that humans had turned out to be the most disappointing of His children, ranking only above naked mole-rats, who He had created when in a particularly dark mood. The reanimated koala ended the speech by warning that enjoying Judi Dench’s “CGI kitty-titties” would send viewers directly to Hell.
The incinerated lump of fur then collapsed back onto the scorched earth and spake no more.
Shortly after, climate change deniers and God-fearing believers alike have condemned Cats as “Lucifer’s pussies” and “a hairball of sin”. At press time, the two parties were rumored to be investigating whether or not director Tom Hooper could be righteously burned for his crimes,
