In a shocking turn of events, Stanford Athletics received an official notarized letter late last night from the Microsoft Corporation informing them that their Outlook account would be shut down effective immediately due to the “dangerous and unprecedented level of hype” associated with their email blasts.

The notarized letter from Microsoft was leaked to the Flipside and is printed in full below:

Dear updates@gostanford.fan-one.com,

It is with deepest regret that we must notify you of the immediate termination of your Outlook account. This was not an easy decision, as we respect and value your business. However, the unfortunate reality is that your account was simply becoming too powerful. The sheer level of clout and awesomeness—both quantifiable data points which we track internally—associated with your email blasts was reaching a height never before seen in the history of electronic mail.

Simply put, your emails are just way too hype. Your brilliance in meme-selection – balancing an Oprah clapping gif with a Michael Scott eyebrow-raise – demonstrates a Smithsonian-level curatorial genius. Your subject-lines are so powerfully relevant, poignant and laugh-out-loud funny that they pose a genuine threat to the health and sanity of the thousands of students that ravenously devour your email blasts every week. Bill Gates himself trembles in fear of the influence your haphazardly colored fonts carry.

This dangerous and unprecedented level of hype is a beast that the Microsoft Corporation feels a patriotic duty to vanquish before it becomes too powerful. Additionally, this case has pushed us to investigate more email blasts whose stellar content and colossal readership pose a threat to the very idea of free thinking in America, so naturally our next targets will be The Stanford Flipside’s email blasts and Professor Thornbuks CS111d Canvas announcements.

Respectfully Yours,

The Microsoft Email Hype-Watch Team

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events

NFL Players Nonchalant About Daily Risk of Crippling Head Trauma Weirdly Terrified By COVID

As American sports begins the slow process to reopening and getting back…