Look, I was disappointed at first about my draw number of 8310, but turns out living in Vice Provost for Education Harry Elam Jr.’s kitchen isn’t the worst thing in the world. He gives me back rubs every day and it almost makes up for the fact that he’s manacled my ankle to the cast-iron fridge and makes me bake Danishes constantly. We build LEGO towers together on the weekends but he won’t let me stay up past 9pm. If he gives me any clothes he’s legally obligated to break the chains and set me free. That one special sock doesn’t count as clothing, though.

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