Hazing Rituals of the Humanities House

As students learn about their housing assignments for the upcoming academic year, many people are wondering about the newly-established Humanities House, an academic theme dorm that only accepted preassign applications. Given that it’s entering its first year, the Humanities House has yet to establish many in-house traditions, most specifically its hazing rituals. According to an inside source, many of the hazing rituals will fall in line with the academic theme of the house:

• Absinthe-pong: Much like the beloved “beer-pong,” absinthe-pong mixes nonsense rules and green hell-liquid.
• Opium-tasting: What’s more fun than sitting around with your fellow academics, smoking the most aristocratic opiate, and discussing the allures of the Orient?
• Joyce-Shuffle: If you’ve never been told to take a mile jog with a copy of Joyce’s Ulysses tied to your balls, you’re missing out.
• Nietzsche-Night: Get really high, get locked in a pitch-black room, and then stare into the abyss. You’re only let out once you feel that the abyss has stared back at you.
• Plato-Paddling: What is truth? Love? What civic duties must a citizen of a democratic society perform?
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  Who gives a shit – you’re gonna get hit with a big ass stick.

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Wow! What a fun time. I hope all the new residents of this academic community can bond over these activities and come together as a strong, united group of liberal arts frat stars.