After Elon Musk jokingly tweeted last week that Tesla would be going private at $69 dollars — a fiasco that cost the company trillions in panic and reputation — board members have been scrambling for a way to prevent this and other recent disasters from becoming a pattern for the young tycoon. Now, finally, Musk’s mother Maye Musk has proposed a brilliant solution: limit Elon’s internet access to sixty minutes per day.


The younger Musk grudgingly agreed to these measures with the reluctance of a ten-year-old acceding to his mother’s demands that he stop playing Xbox with the livelihoods of thousands of employees and come to dinner his senses. After parental controls were installed on his laptop and phone, board members breathed a collective sigh of relief, assured that they could reclaim 23 hours of the day to dedicate towards damage control on the havoc that Musk would inevitably wreak within the span of the day’s remaining hour.

However, after a tweet yesterday boasted that Musk had “rolled up a Space X rocket in a blunt and smoked the shit out of it,” some are considering more drastic measures. Possibilities include giving access to his social media to his mother or taking away his phone and grounding him for a week.

At press time, no consensus had been reached other than unanimous agreement that Musk’s internet access should be restricted to Webkinz only.

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