BAKU? ALMATY? – After years of fading global relevance and a declining economy, Turkmenistan has announced that it will immediately begin its invasion of the Kingdom of Bahrain, “just to see if anyone’s still checking.”

“Look, we get it, it’s a big world and there are lots of important countries out there to keep track of,” said a Turkmen government official after a soulful performance of Turkmenistan’s state anthem, “State Anthem of Independent, Neutral, Turkmenistan”. “But seriously? Is anyone even checking? If not, we’re just going to go ahead and do this if that’s alright with you.”

A landlocked post-Soviet republic, Turkmenistan was once home to one of the great cities of the Silk Road, Tashkent. Or maybe that was Kazakhstan. Anyway, the landlocked country is currently preparing an invasion of Bahrain, an island kingdom in the Gulf of Persia, despite the fact that it has no way to get there.

“It’s been a rough few weeks, but I’m sure we’re going to work something out,” said the country’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs. “It’s really just about sending a message, and the message is ‘hello? Is anyone there? It is us, the country of Turkmenistan, and also Bahrain now. Call us back when you get the chance, thanks. Bye.”

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