On Tuesday, Mark Zuckerberg appeared in front of the Senate Judiciary and Commerce committees in a long-awaited reckoning for the Facebook CEO. Viewers anticipated the excoriation brought on by the compelling interrogation on Facebook’s loose handling of data and government regulation of tech companies. Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana began the line of questioning by quizzing Zuckerberg on why kids these days do not appreciate good old-fashioned rock and roll. “Millennials think that banging a hammer against a computer is music,” he said. “Not in my congress!” he assured the worried audience.

Zuckerberg was suitably put in his place when Senator Bill Simmons regaled the committee with tales of his days of trudging to school uphill both ways in the pouring rain. “You kids have it easy,” Simmons said of the successful corporation. Mark Zuckerberg was also asked by congressmen to help them turn down the brightness on their computer screens, as the “damn things are just too bright and we can’t find the buttons!”

As Zuckerberg continued to accept his humiliating reprimand, Senator Ted Cruz slithered out of his den in the spirit of tolerance and respect to criticize Zuckerberg for his censorship of homophobic chickens. Cruz additionally demanded that Facebook delete a number of group pages implicating himself in a series of murders in the San Francisco Bay Area in the late 60s and early 70s (Propp).

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