It’s one of those days you can’t help but wake up with a sense of pride in the space where your heart used to be — the day you finally finishing harvesting all your organs and can afford a brand new, limited-edition, seventh generation, sleek black Sony PlayStation 3 home video game console with controllers modded to light up when you press the freaking buttons. In case it wasn’t obvious from what I just said, I reached this goal today, and let me tell you, it’s been one of the best days of my life, especially since the previous 478 days were dedicated to surgically removing or recovering from surgically removing each of my essential biological structures and selling them to scientific researchers.
Now, those medical people are experimenting on my pancreas, liver, gallbladder, and pharynx, and I’m propped up happily on my couch with a pillow under my chin so my head doesn’t roll forward when there’s a breeze, decimating zombies with a China Lake Grenade Launcher and Beretta Model 682 Shotgun. I didn’t even have to lift a finger. (Nor could I if I tried!) While the rest of the world had to go out there and work for their money, I just sat here opening the door for each new team of surgeons as soon as I’d finished recovering enough from the last operation, until I easily achieved my lifelong dream. So, to everyone who said I couldn’t make something of myself by sitting inside on the couch all my life, this one’s for you. (Anderson)