Gripping tightly in both hands a stack of papers that he described as “terrible stuff”, President Donald Trump gave a press briefing early yesterday morning in which he described the details of an elaborate political conspiracy he’d accidentally uncovered, going so far as to insist that it went “all the way to the top.”
“The attorney general, the national security leadership, the chief advisors, even the President America — this rabbit hole goes deeper than you folks could ever believe” insisted Trump, wildly waving the evidentiary documents in the air as he addressed the hushed press corps. “I’ve got friends in high places, very high places, and they tell me some terrible things, just awful. Everything about this is rotten to the cors [sic].”
Trump explained to the seated assembly that he’d mistakenly stumbled upon the revealing documents while just going about his business at work, accidentally uncovering evidence of a deep-seated plot against the American people after opening his laptop to check his email. The uncovered government briefings and secret communiques he found sent him on a three-day sleepless stint of ceaseless research, after which he assembled the White House Press Corp to reveal the enormity of his discovery.
“I mean, who knew that the government would deceive us like this, people, who even knew?”, continued Trump, viciously leveling claims of perjury, money laundering, and treason at everyone from Secretary of Education Betsy Devos to Senior Adviser Jared Kushner to the current acting President of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.
“Really, people, we’re dealing with some real bad stuff here, y’know? It’s just not what’s right for our beautiful country. And as far as I can tell, the whole government is in on this, at least that’s what they told me when I was chipping up out of the sand trap down at Mar A Lago, beautiful resort just beautiful you have to see it.”
At press time, Trump had wheeled out a cork board covered in an elaborate tangle of string, pictures, and text clippings, as well as a large mirror reflecting his own confused face back at him.