Dear Cherished Electorate,
We are Deedee Anderson and Jason Seter. We are running for ASSU Exec, and we beg you not to vote for us. On April 13th and 14th, you, the student body, will have the opportunity to flex your democratic muscles by choosing your elected student leaders. It is imperative that we elect qualified, sincere candidates to head the ASSU, and we are not those candidates. It would be better for you to open the phone book, put your finger down on literally any other name, and vote for that person than to waste your democratic potential on the two of us bozos.
We are the last sapiens on earth who should captain this student government spaceship. We are lazy, unreliable, and not even that fun to hang out with. Returning to the spaceship analogy, if the ASSU is a spaceship, school is our oxygen supply, and you are the astronauts, you don’t want us to be presidents of the ASSU.
You may think we are running in order to make a satirical statement about Stanford’s electoral process. We are not. Our place on the ballot is the democratic equivalent of the inedible bony tail of a shrimp. Please rip us off of this metaphorical shrimp and dip such other juicy candidates as Tention/Niu, Khaled/Ocon, and Becca & Zippy in your electoral cocktail sauce so that you may savor their delights and avoid the horrible food poisoning that would be our administration.
Seriously, why are you doing this to us? We politely sent out an email blast pleading that the student body NOT sign our petition to get on the ballot. All you had to do was nothing. But you signed it, and here we are. Except for Jason, who is actually abroad in England right now.
Remember, you did this.
Deedee and Jason