DCIM100MEDIA

LITTLE ROCK, AR – Seeking to combat budget shortfalls, boost name recognition, and revitalize its crumbling infrastructure, Arkansas announced plans Sunday to rebrand as a mid-price, family-style entertainment multiplex.

“You’ll be telling your friends you ArkanCame, ArkanDid, and ArkanSaw more than you could have ever imagined!” Governor Asa Hutchinson (R-AR) cheered, fully in costume as a glass of the State beverage: milk. “This is the biggest thing to happen east of Oklahoma, west of Tennessee, and south of Missouri since Louisiana became a municipal water park!”

Development plans reportedly include investment in a 190-mile slip-and-slide connecting Fayetteville to Little Rock along the I-40 corridor, an intricate laser tag obstacle course on the current site of Ouachita National Park, and a 1,200 square-mile “kidz zone” replacing much of the area around Pine Bluff and Stuttgart.

Residents cheered the announcement, noting it cold help reinvigorate the state’s stagnant clown and turkey-leg-production sectors while also replacing jobs lost to China’s Disneyland Shanghai. “People always told me a degree in sideshow game engineering was a safe bet on a stable future, but I’ve been out of work for almost four years since graduation,” explained Fort Smith resident Chandra Matisse. “This will be huge for me, and for thousands of shoot-the-can design experts across the Toothpick State. We’ve really been hurting for the past few decades – with competition from out-of-state Wonderplexes, Thrill-Topias abroad, and the infinite magic of the internet, blue-collar carney jobs have been scant. We think this could be the start of a huge turnaround.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Environmentally Conscientious Student Feels Completely Comfortable Wasting Water Now That Drought Is Finally Over

Reporting that exacerbating the possibility of a relapse into a widespread agricultural…

Anaconda, A Marxist Reading

More than any other song played at frat parties, Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda”…