Nutella Owner Dies at Age 89

February 25, 2015 9:00 am
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Nutella Owner Dies at Age 89

Michael Irons, owner of a half-eaten jar of Nutella, was found dead in his home earlier this week, having apparently passed away quietly in his sleep.  Irons was well-known locally as “the man with the jar of Nutella,” and neighbors and other lovers of Nutella mourn his passing.

Yes, I suppose he liked it,” responds his daughter, Vivian, when questioned about her father’s jar of the hazelnut-chocolaty goodness.  “But then, lots of people liked Nutella, didn’t they?”

Irons was also known locally as a man who owned Tic Tacs from time to time, as well as Ferrero Rocher chocolates during the holiday season.  When asked about his love of candy, friends and family were unable to respond.  “No, I wouldn’t really call him a ‘real-life Willy Wonka,’” reports a slightly bemused Barbara Irons, Michael’s second daughter.  “He wasn’t terribly obsessed or secretive.  Not like Willy Wonka at all, really.  Maybe like the grandpa in the movie, or Bystander #4.”

Conspiracy theorists have already pointed out that the expiration date labeled on the aforementioned Nutella jar coincides with the date of Irons’ passing, though this seems to have little significance.  However, in a move of poetic justice, the newly gone-off chocolate spread was disposed of just as Irons’ coffin was being lowered into the ground.  (de Leon)