As graduation approaches, Stanford prepares for the flood of alumni and family members who will join those poor students who pretend they’re not stuck on campus for another three months but are rather engaging in a “really good research opportunity.” In order to prepare for this deluge, campus officials are currently beautifying campus by watering all the grass, flowers, trees, bushes, concrete sidewalks, and unsuspecting bikers in sight. Yet, despite these measures, one area of Stanford’s campus stubbornly refuses to turn green. Enchanted Broccoli Forest, known affectionately as EBF to those who cannot remember its full name, is suspiciously free of grass. “We’ve tried everything,” Facilities Manager Bill Johnson reported, “But all the grass we plant is there one day and gone the next! All of our hard work is wasted. It’s the same with all the weed we grow. And with the weed and the grass gone, all we have left are the stoners…err, I mean, the rocks.”

However, members of Arrillaga Alumni Center report that this imbalance of natural elements at EBF should not prove too much of a problem. One alumni relations manager said that returning EBF alumni, even if they have retained their fully-functional cognitive processes, can only hazily remember their once-beloved undergrad residence. The rest of their memories, like the missing grass and weed, have seemingly gone up in smoke.

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