It has now become evident that, since we last spoke, our open correspondence has deteriorated significantly. Perchance your dumb loser head is having trouble comprehending the predicament that we have found ourselves in. As such, I hope that you realize that I am trying to do the noble thing here and enumerate my rationale as to why you should give me all of your lunch money, posthaste, nerd.

Reason I: You are a dork and nobody likes you.

I queried everyone in school, and they agree regarding how much of a loser you are, particularly Jenny R, that girl you like. She thinks that you are gross, and she wholeheartedly prefers me. Give me your lunch money.

Reason II: My dad could beat up your dad.

You may be thinking that you do not have to give me your lunch money because your dad is stronger than my dad; however, I assure you that you are unquestionably wrong. My dad would decimate your dad in a combat scenario. My dad has huge muscles, and also he drives a Hummer. His agility and raw strength would make quick work of your weak, weak dad who probably also is not even good at video games. Give me your lunch money.

Reason III: I’ll tell everyone that when you use the urinal you pull your pants all the way down to your butt.

I definitely saw you pull your pants down past your butt in the bathroom the other day at the urinal. Are you trying to show everyone your butt, you stupid little butt-baby? I’m going to call you butt-baby now. Give me your lunch money, butt-baby.

Reason IV: I will punch your loser face. 

This is really the key reason. We have heretofore established that you are a loser and that no one likes you (see Reason One). Therefore, if you do not hand over your lunch money, I will punch your dork face again and again, and no one — especially not your weak dad — will help you because of your aforementioned low social status.

I hope that this has cleared up our misunderstanding, turd.

Yours in intimidation,

Thomas “Slink” Williams, III

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