Koga, Japan—Ruffling frantically through the piles of yari spears and rocket-propelled arrows littering the floor of his apartment, local ninja Kato Danzo told reporters yesterday that he had somehow lost both his car keys and favorite set of throwing stars in what was undoubtedly the worst day ever. “Oh man, where the hell are they? I could have sworn I left them by my chain armor and uchigatana,” complained Danzo loudly, tossing aside several tax returns and weapons diagrams in search of the keys to his 2004 Nissan Altima and iron hira-shuriken. “I mean what could I have done with them? I got back from training last night and went straight to bed. Did I leave them by the VCR? Or are they by my kusarigama? Jesus, if I don’t find them soon the shogun’s going to be on my ass for weeks.”

Anxiously ignoring the pings coming from his work pager, Danzo reportedly expanded his search to the kitchen, where he threw aside a box of Triscuits and several pots of traditionally simmered sukiyaki cluttered atop the kitchen table. “Holy shit dude!” Danzo yelled nervously, sweeping away his ukiyo-e prints and muzigomo. “Where the fuck are they? I swear to God if this means Fujibayashi gets the sabotage job over me I’m going to fucking kill someone. Maybe a warlord or corrupt member of the landholding elite.”

At press time, Danzo was groaning loudly in relief upon discovering the lost items next to his cane sword and Fancy Living cookbook.

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