Have you always wondered how infants find it so easy to keep their weight well below 50 pounds? Well, our researchers have been huffing a shit-ton of gasoline this past year, so they did too. We conducted a study on the dietary habits of 35 Palo Alto infants ranging in age from 8 to 12 weeks, and what we found will shock you.  Nearly every baby consumed only boob-milk for the entirety of our 4-week observation. Amazingly, even after 4 weeks, not a single baby weighed anywhere close to 50 pounds, and the benefits went beyond aesthetics and beach bodies. After dissection, we found that the babies’ lungs appeared as if they had never once smoked. Similarly, examination of brain tissue found that the babies had absolutely no evidence of any Alzheimer’s whatsoever. The secret really lies within the boob-milk.

We went ahead and interviewed one boob-milk provider and mother of two, Melinda Donaldson, on her thoughts regarding this secretive diet: “You guys must be flat fucking stupid. I have been receiving your emails asking about baby diets for weeks and I thought they must’ve just been spam from some kids. But, no. These emails are coming from adults. I am absolutely shocked to find that your research enterprise has more than $2 billion in funding yet none of you fucking Neanderthals have any idea what breastmilk is. And it’s called breastmilk, not boob-milk, as you say in your emails, you brainless fucks. This is literally what every infant ever has been fed. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE, do not contact me again.”

According to Donaldson, nearly all infants rely upon this diet to maintain their health and appearance for their fast-paced lifestyles. We sought out the advice of a dietician on how adults can adopt this effective diet in their own lives, and he recommended that we “go fuck ourselves.” So, we gave up on this thing and have now decided to pursue a new focus for our research: what are slugs?

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