The scene was bleak on Friday afternoon as a combination of police and ResEd officials led James Mitchenson, the last remaining resident of Cedro, out of his one room double. Mitchenson was discovered by ResEd to have been drinking 20-year-old scotch in his room, alone, lost in sad nostalgia for his absent fellow dorm-mates.
“After they fired those three RA’s, it was a real shock,” stated Mitchenson from his position sitting on the curb outside Escondido, “but when they got rid of the RFs for not creating a substance-free culture, and then fired the RCC for shotgunning multiple beers on the roof of Cedro, things really got bad.”
According to Mitchenson, residents of Cedro were surprised to find last week that they were living in a completely staff-less dorm, and proceeded to throw a series of parties to celebrate this new-found freedom. Unfortunately, the excessive underage drinking that followed led many of the Cedro residents to lose their housing. One by one the residents of Cedro were expelled from the dorm in order to maintain the health of the dorm community until there was only James Mitchenson left in room 153.
“I’m not drinking for fun now; I’m drinking to ease the loneliness,” Mitchenson concluded in a heartfelt statement to reporters.
Koren Bakkegard, associate dean of ResEd, wrote in a statement “We always take the decision to remove a student from his or her residence very seriously. We take into account the General Expectations and Agreement as well as the overall wellbeing of the dorm community. In this case, we found that the optimum health for Cedro could only be achieved if there is no-one living in it. We haven’t had any problems since!”