Asshole Wants Poutine

January 3, 2017 12:00 pm
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Asshole Wants Poutine

CHICAGO, IL – According to several reports within the close-knit friend group, requests from area man Mike LaVan to secure a poutine-based meal have grown increasingly urgent over the past 24-48 minutes. Poutine, Canada’s favorite heap of heart-stopping glop, is reportedly “right around the corner…and smells really good,” according to LaVan.

“You guys, how ‘bout we do poutine tonight,” LaVan is alleged to have asked in reference to the traditional Canadian concoction of fries, cheese, and gravy.  “No, I’m serious, anyone else feeling poutine? Seriously, I could go for some poutine right now.” Despite LaVan’s friends repeatedly stating they would rather eat something else, his requests have gotten more and more desperate.

As of press time, the surge of insufferable inquiries had been temporarily curtailed by wholly insincere promises that the group would return for poutine tomorrow night.