Historically reliable for the Republican party, the state of Texas has recently been declared a swing state in the 2016 presidential election. It has thus become a deeply contested battleground between the Democratic and Republican hopefuls, seeking to cement their electoral victories. However, this increasingly prevalent attention from the candidates has started to sort of weird Texas out. The state can’t go one night without receiving a “HEY WHAT’S UP IT’S 3 AM JUST HILLARY CHECKING IN” text from Hillary or a warm Edible Arrangement from Donald Trump. They have also consistently been pestered by some rando named Gary or John or Carol, or something like that, but he’s harmless.
At first, the new swing state enjoyed the attention: “I felt like a bipartisan princess,” said Texas. But things started to get kinda weird when Tim Kaine and Mike Pence, in an attempt to impress the state, arm wrestled for forty-five minutes until Pence popped a blood vessel in both eyes. Texas’s fellow swing states and pals have told the two tickets to back off and leave their friend alone, but this effort has proved ineffective given that, last week, Hillary sent an acapella group to serenade the state at their work with an attack ad to the tune of “Hey There Delilah.” Later that same day, Trump had a man dressed as Winne the Pooh deliver chocolate and a balloon that repeatedly says “law and order” when you hit it.
Life will perhaps never be the same for Texas. When asked about the situation, the state solemnly answered, “I never thought I’d have to live like this. I was already creeped out enough by Ted Cruz.”