Freshman “Not Actually All That Special” Says Grandmother After Campus Visit

October 12, 2016 9:00 am
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Freshman “Not Actually All That Special” Says Grandmother After Campus Visit

Many students find it difficult to transition from high school into Stanford, but one member of the class of 2020 has had a particularly difficult time. Growing up, Michael Kaplan was constantly reminded by his grandmother that he was loved and cherished. In all of his endeavors, Michael’s grandmother was always in his corner. She cheered the loudest for his little-league homers, collected each and every of his A+ studded report cards, and held a celebration party for Michael after he had been accepted to Stanford.

 As it turned out, however, Stanford would come to drive a wedge between Michael and his grandmother. After being introduced to Kaplan’s suitemates – students who had developed a cure for ovarian cancer, composed 4 operas, and won Olympic medals – Grandma Kaplan reassessed her grandson.

 “Michael is underperforming, clear and simple. I hadn’t realized how average he really is,” explained Grandma Kaplan upon reconsideration of her grandson’s merits. “I mean, there are students here who have done things which are TRULY impressive! I think it’s important to keep my playing field open – I’m still only 85. It’s simply self-limiting to keep myself tied down with Michael when there is so much more talent at this school.”

Mrs. Kaplan insisted that the Flipside mention that she is hoping to connect with another student before she leaves, and can be contacted at 555-283-1928.