The Board of Trustees announced this week that, despite countless student protests, petitions, and calls by faculty to divest Stanford of fossil fuels, they will ultimately not modify the university’s existing investment portfolio. But while many were confused by the decision to support an industry that has proven to be so environmentally destructive, members of the Board maintained that their own kin will probably be rich enough to make it out okay no matter what.

“It was an easy decision, really,” explained Bilton Cathe, a longstanding board member. “We don’t doubt that global warming will have a disastrous impact on the world that we are leaving to our children and our children’s children, but we are entirely confident that projected dividends from Chevron stock will more than cover the costs of keeping our own progeny safe.”

Many have criticized the Board’s decision as shortsighted, but the Board dismissed such arguments out of hand in a public statement released on its website. “We are operating with the best interests of the future planet at heart,” the statement read, “in the sense that we are ensuring that our grandchildren will be entirely safe in a giant glass dome or something. From their position of insular safety, they will be able to manage the Stanford endowment for centuries to come.”

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