September
Freshmen arrive, wide-eyed and bushy–tailed, feeding on nuts and storing them in trees for the upcoming winter as the unlucky few are eaten by hawks and owls. OpenXChange initiates spirited, thoughtful debate about the shittiness of OpenXChange. Deep in their dark and secluded castle, The Stanford Review begins to plot its own nefarious downfall.
October
Alexander Hamilton named best American president by confused–but–enthusiastic American public. Flash-in-the-pan Trump campaign loses steam faced with Jeb Bush’s establishment credentials. Everyone says goodbye to FMOTQ, saddened by the knowledge that they will never again get to drunkenly make out with a stranger. Leland Stanford Jr’s reputation sullied yet again by a lame Halloween party thrown in his honor.
November
Legions of students return home for Thanksgiving Break to the sweet sounds of Uncle Fred’s turkey-induced snoring and their other Uncle Fred’s racism-induced ranting. Grandma not sure if college actually “great”. Meanwhile, the presidents of Taiwan and China met for the first time. I bet you didn’t remember that, you fuck.
December
Winter break comes just in time for my parents to be disappointed in me. The Force Awakens consumerism in all of us, and we feel compelled to buy Kylo Ren car chargers. Pluto found to be not just a rock at the edge of the solar system. It has some ice on it, which is very very exciting to some people. Everyone starts complaining about how cold it is in the eternally warm paradise that is our school.
January
Stanford gets a new president. Maybe his daughter will end up actually going here, not that we’re bitter. David Bowie, Alan Rickman and Lemmy from Motorhead die, leaving a grieving Jimmy Fallon to frantically workshop a Ta-Nehisi Coates impression. An outbreak of the Zika virus is confirmed, tanking the mosquito’s already-low popularity rating.
February
Purging of old, talented celebrities ends. Peter Thiel increasingly disappointed in his collegiate accomplishments. Staff of online publication executed for being unable to come up with cutesy Valentine’s day tips.
March
Zootopia makes everyone admit that they like watching animals talk and be cutely racist. Hillary Clinton visits Stanford, and embellishes her fun persona by talking at length about counterterrorism. Beyoncé makes refreshing lemonade, slakes thirst. Match8 happens and awkward coffee dates across campus reach a year-long high. Stanford Review killing it!
April
Prince George visited by Barack Obama, who shows his fealty by getting baby a new binky for his widdle mouth. Beyoncé makes refreshing Lemonade, slakes thirst. Antisemitism on campus disappears as mysteriously as it arrived. John Boehner already checked out, ready for summer. Actual rock star Prince vanishes in a cloud of purple smoke to cook pancakes in heaven. Support the troops!
May
TechInsider uncovers secret population of ambitious CS majors at Stanford. In stunning about-face, Republican establishment accepts uncomfortable truth with aplomb. Kanye album comes out on Spotify just in time for Chance The Rapper to also debut album on obscure service no one uses. Witch violence peaks as 11 sophomores are turned into frogs. Bouquet of balloon hearts appears three months late.
June
The weather seems pretty nice for tomorrow. We just checked. Have yourself a cool little beer on your porch because it’ll be nice out.
