Running low on vital life force, the sisters of the Rho Beta Gamma sorority gathered at Old Union beneath the transposition of Mars and Venus on Sunday for their weekly, youth-replenishing sacrifice of a virgin calf. A pentagram made of glitter with vanilla-scented candles at each of its corners decorated the center of the Union’s courtyard as the 24 ladies, cucumber slices over their eyes, drew on the power of the shadow realm to restore the spritely quality of their hair and nails.

Sorority president Holly Martinez explained, “It’s a cornerstone of how we in RBG look out for each other. We provide a supportive emotional environment, we offer access to a huge range of academic resources, and we summon the dark spirits every Sunday to transfer the calf’s bovine vigor to our ever-rotting flesh.”

The ladies emerged hours later with their skin glowing, their eyes clear, and their clothing dripping with animal blood. “I’m so ready for our rafting trip!” a newly-recruited Freshman exclaimed, still soaking in the last waves of life-energy pulsing through Old Union. “I’ve never felt so alive!”

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